it should be so fitting that i start publishing blogs at the cusp of a fresh mental break, coming along at the usual time of year. having attempted murder about 6 or 7 years from today, i’ve considered this a personal new year’s (since it’s at that point i think my life took a turn for better or for worse.) a genuine and undeniable lack of normalcy took over from that point, from before i had only feigned. it could be argued i was screwed long before that point, but i think i at least had hope for redemption before i had become bombarded by my own bizarre thought loops and bad behaviors. could it be now that i’m finally gaining some footing that i’ll get back on the track i had planned for myself, or am i just on an entirely different trajectory informed by my failures? i can’t help but imagine the reality i would face without my symptoms. alas, that can never be more than fantasy. . .